Part 5: Marriage

All right, we're in week five of our Theology of Man, doing a study of gender for the glory of God. And I just want to clarify where we've been. The first four video studies were really meant to be kind of a groundwork. We're getting what would be called more practical, because we're looking at actual commands today. We'll be looking at Ephesians 5, where it commands, wives, submit to your own husbands. Husbands love your wives. Before this, we've actually been seeing more clear declarative statements. Man and woman are made in the image of God. Man and woman were given dominion. There is some commands. There are some declarations. But for the most part, we've been seeing what their similarities are. We've seen some hints of distinction. I just want to run through very quickly before we get into kind of where we see some clear distinction in relationship and roles with husband and wife. Man and woman are both made in the image of God. Man and woman who believe in Christ are equally united with Christ and have every blessing in Christ. And now we're going to see how in marriage there's some distinctions in the way they relate to one another. If you're single, there's still some information here. We're still actually kind of asking the question, what does it mean to be a biblical woman? What does it mean to be feminine according to God's design? And as we'll wrestle with that, we'll see some things that are helpful, but we need to realize much of what we're seeing here is in a relational context of husband and wife. This passage, Ephesians 5, to give a context, Ephesians 1-3 talks about all that God has done for us, who we are in Christ. Ephesians 4-6 is how we now walk in Christ. It's part of our worship to make sure we're walking worthy of the call. And part of putting on Christ and putting off sin is how we relate to one another. And so Paul walks through how our new way of living wisely will affect our marriages, because marriage matters in the Bible. We see this word, submit. All right, so we're gonna start in verse 22. We're gonna start where Paul begins, wives, submit to your own husbands. That's the command, all right? So we're gonna look at the woman in order and the man in order, and each of them have a command. The command for the woman is submit. We look at the words that really inform the wife's role. We've seen helper. We now see submit. And if we look at the bottom of this section in verse 33, help. Submit, respect. Those are three important words that inform the role of wife, the job description of wife. Desiring over against your husband is kind of a sinful tendency we looked at in Genesis 3. But as we want to think about what it means to help, submit and respect seems the way Christ is renewing the role of the wife in marriage. So submit. It's a loaded word. It seems to be a very offensive word today. I did a wedding once and I always seek to preach the gospel that we all are sinners and deserving of wrath. And the only way, the exclusive way to be saved from God's wrath is to believe in Jesus. And the Bible tells us that message is offensive. And I preached the gospel at this wedding, and afterwards somebody said, you know, a lot of the non-Christians here were really offended by what you said. I said, well, what was it? Was it the gospel? No, it's that you told the wife to submit to her husband. That was really discouraging because the gospel needs to be so clear that it should either call somebody to believe or to be offended. And the fact that they got caught up in that issue because of our culture, because of a misunderstanding of what it probably even means, was discouraging. So I want to make sure we're actually understanding what it means to submit. To use another word to really kind of help understand it, it means to defer. It means that when there's a decision that has to be made, that God hasn't already said, this is how you make that decision, the husband is meant to make those decisions and she defers, she submits to him. Now, we usually get offended by this word because we think it means that the person submitting is somehow inferior. And I just want to make it very clear that that can't be the case. If you actually read 522 in Greek, the word submit isn't even in the text. It simply says, wives, to your own husbands. It's borrowing the word submit from verse 21. And let me just read the context of this. Beginning of verse 15, look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise, but as wise. making the best use of your time, because the days are evil. Therefore, do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is." And he keeps going about how to sing songs to one another, giving thanks to one another. And then he declares, for all Christians at all times, it's wise to submit to one another out of reverence of Christ. It's something that's expected of every Christian. It in no way makes somebody inferior when all Christians are meant to be submitting to one another. And notice there, all Christians are to do so out of reverence for Christ. The proper posture of a Christian is submission to one another. It's one of the ways we love one another. It's one of the ways we show our reverence for Christ and how we walk worthy of the calling that he's already given us in chapter four, verse one. So it isn't an inferior position, it's the way in which a wife shows her reverence for Christ. Submitting to your husbands is one of the ways you walk with wisdom. It's one of the ways you show your reverence. But we also want to see here, because it's borrowed here, Paul is making a very specific point. Wives, you're submitting to your own husbands. There's a priority for the husband. There's also protection. A woman who's married would not have to submit to every man the same way she's submitting to her husband. There's a way in which he is caring for her, should be caring for her. There's a way in which she can prioritize her submission, and it's a protection, not every man the same way. Submission at the most basic level is deferring. which means letting him lead, letting him make the decisions that he is supposed to lead. Well, if we look at the basic command, submit means defer, let him lead, let him make those decisions. It also means you're helping him. But the next thing we want to look at is the measure. And in each one of the commands we look at for wives and husbands, the as statement is what makes it heavy. Wives, submit to your own husbands as to the Lord. There's a measure there. There's a bar and a standard. You are to submit to your husband as you would to the Lord himself. It isn't what you think he's worthy of. It isn't however much you think you respect him. Christ is the measure. This is where the reverence and a reverent heart for Christ really plays into the call of the wife Submitting to your husband is one of the ways you worship Christ. You actually see how much you reverence Christ and trust him by how much you would let your husband lead. When we have a ground, there's a grounding. He gives an explanation. Notice in 23, he uses the word for. He's giving an explanation. For the husband is the head of the wife. That's just a declaration. Even, now a comparison, as Christ is the head of the church, His body, and Himself as its Savior. Now, as the church submits to Christ, so also wives submit in everything to their husbands. We see here there's a parallel. As Christ is to the church, so the husband is to the wife, and vice versa. And the reason the wives are called to submit is that the church submits to Christ. You know, there's a lot of folks who would want to say this is just a culturally irrelevant command now. We know that this isn't what wives should do. We should all be equal and practice a mutual submission. Well, do we also think husbands loving wives is a culturally irrelevant thing now? Or fathers training their children, is that also culturally irrelevant? Why is this one command, the one that we find kind of dissatisfying or distasteful, the one that we're going to say is now culturally we've figured out something better? Even more troubling is it's so closely tied to the reality of Christ and His church, and the reverence for Christ from His bride, the wives who are part of that church. Now, we can't dismiss this because the grounding is so powerfully tied to the reality that Christ is the Savior of the church, and so as the church submits to Christ, the wives should submit to their husbands. Now, I want to also say there's a limitation. Paul says, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Now, there's a grand declaration there in that it You don't get to kind of choose, I'm going to love my husband this way and care for him this way and submit to him this way. But I do want to make the point that I don't think everything actually means everything. Husbands, just like every earthly authority, just like every king, just like every governor, just like every pastor, any earthly authority has a limitation. Because the ultimate authority that has a limitation is Christ. And so if a husband were to command what Christ prohibits or prohibits what Christ commands, there I don't believe you're bound to submit. The goal of submitting is whenever there's something that God hasn't made clear in His Word, His will isn't obvious, like moving or making a significant life change decision. Well, you submit when there's actually a disagreement. That's why deferring is kind of the main idea. But if the husband were to say, get drunk, no, you don't submit to that because Christ has already said, do not get drunk with wine. Let me fill the Holy Spirit. So we look at this and there is a vulnerability to the wife submitting. I don't want to ignore that. There's a concern of abuse. Well, this is why marriages need churches. This is why you're not into the marriage by yourself. This is why older women should be teaching younger women, and older men, younger men. This is why Paul goes through the whole point of that in Titus 2. If you're alone in your marriage, you're probably gonna be in a dangerous place in your marriage. People should be informing your marriage with Christ and His gospel. The last point here in verse 33, There's another kind of command I just want to point out here and it's respect. Okay, so help, submit, respect. Respect is giving him honor. It's speaking highly of him. Wife, just a point blank, your husband cares more about your opinion than him, than anybody else's opinion. You have no idea the kind of influence and power you have with the words you say to him and about him. A man desires respect of his wife. Before it became famous in a big fat Greek wedding, Charles Spurgeon said, the wife is the neck. There's a way in which you can build up and hold up that head and help it turn if you influence him with respect. One of the ways you actually can wonder, am I respecting my husband? How do your kids hear you talk about your husband? One of the things that floors me is I oftentimes come home and I'm flocked at the door with three little girls who are all saying, dad, you're amazing. And I think, wow, I didn't do anything all day. I've been gone. What's going on? Well, it's because I've been informed by my wife. She's honoring me, even when I'm not there, telling them how I am amazing. And she's probably embellishing, because I'm not so amazing. But she wants to make sure they're learning how to respect their father. And so she represents that. All right, let's turn to the men. Wives, we see the command, we see the measure, we see the ground, we see the limit. We're gonna do the same thing for men. We see a command. Love. Love. Love is not something you fall into. Love is not based merely on a feeling. Love is not random acts of kindness. Love is an intentional commitment that's sacrificial. God defines what love is. When God tells us He loves us, He says He loves us because He loves us. It's something He commits to. He does not love us based upon how lovely we are. He loves us based upon how loving He is. As we think about this command of love, really something that stands out here is husbands, you're not commanded to lead. The declaration is you are the leader. You are the head. And really what that means is you are responsible. There is no command to be head. Once you say I do, you've just taken responsibility for somebody else's daughter, for God's own child, and someone who's part of the bride of Christ. And what you've said is I'm gonna be the primary person responsible for their well-being. And the way you become a better head, the way you actually practice headship is informed in this command, love. He's telling you how to be the head of your home. Husbands love your wives. The point there about headship is you are responsible. It doesn't mean you're always right. We usually think, you know, it's the authority, that means I'm right when I make a decision. No, we're responsible. That means we lean on Christ and we listen to Him. It means we lean on and actually seek to learn from our own wives. The analogy of Christ and His bride and us and our bride breaks down in this way. Christ is perfectly loving. Christ is perfectly powerful. Christ is omniscient. He knows His bride better than His bride knows herself. Christ knows what she needs more than she knows what she needs. Husbands, we do not have that privileged position. So we listen. We listen to what Christ says she needs and we listen to her seeking to understand and know her better. A head in the home that does not listen is not seeking the help God designed us to find. You are in the position of being a head the way you become a good head that glorifies Christ is by loving. Okay, what is the measure of love? Well, that as statement. Love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy without blemish. Love there has a purpose. It's giving himself up over with that intentional commitment, sacrificial love. Love has a purpose that she would grow up and be spotless. Now, again, we don't have that kind of power. We're not her savior. But we are, as a, I'm a pastor and really what I am is an under shepherd to the true shepherd. And my whole goal is to help the sheep that I'm responsible for here in this local church who know the shepherd better. Well, you're a, an under bridegroom. Your whole point is to point her back to, your whole goal is to point her back to the true bridegroom who really washes her. The truth is, I think you actually can make your wife more beautiful. As she grows in confidence in who she is in Christ, as she goes in confidence in what to expect from you and who you are and how you treat her and how you build her up in that relationship, she becomes more beautiful. That's your responsibility. That's your calling and your goal. The measure is Christ who gives himself over so that his bride becomes better. That's your measure. Sacrificially giving yourself up so that she increases. We see also a ground. We've seen the command love. We've seen the measure as Christ loved the church. That's a high bar. No greater love has anyone ever known than someone who would lay down his life for his friends. dying to yourself. That's a high bar. Now the grounding, verses 28 through 32. In the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife Now, love just fills this whole section. The word is repeated over and over again. The one command that husbands are given is to love, to love, to love. Well, the ground here is in the same way. Husbands, love your own wives because they're your own bodies. We see a one-flesh theology from Genesis 2 come together. You have been so united together in covenant commitment, in a covenant under God by his blessing, that loving her is loving yourself. You're so united and connected to her. No one ever hates his own body. No, you're supposed to nourish and cherish her just as Christ does the church. We're members of one body. So there's a ground on which there's just the truth that we're one flesh because that's how God designed marriage. There's another truth in that if you're both Christians, you're both part of his body. And this is where we are responsible for the well-being here on this earth. for someone who is truly part of the bride of Christ, someone who's most beloved by Christ, someone who's been purchased by the blood of Christ. And we're gonna have to give an answer to him for how he loved our bride, his own child. There's a reality here of the grounding that it's still based upon that relationship of Christ being my Savior, her Savior, and how that influences. And the thing about love, There is a denying of oneself, but it's denying of oneself of sin, right? So the way this might play out in my marriage is we might get into an argument. And the argument gets to be somewhat ridiculous at some point, right? And my whole goal, because of who I am, is I just need her to be convinced that I'm right. I might actually be convinced I'm wrong, but just because I am who I am, I need her to be convinced that I'm right. And so I'll keep going and going and going until I can feel like she is convinced that I'm right. Well, my wife, all she wants is for me to stop being an idiot and go sit next to her on the couch and show affection. And that's just one of the hardest things to do, because I want to convince her I'm right, but she doesn't even care at this point. She just wants to know I love her. There's a way in which love just shows affection and kindness. Love makes her feel secure and wanted and safe. And that's our job. That's what Christ calls us to as the one who's taking responsibility for one of His children. There's a limitation. Now the limitation isn't as clearly stated here as it is for the wife, but I'd say the limitation is you love your bride as Christ loves His church. You do not expect more from her than what Christ would expect from her. The limitation is the whole point of your love is that you're building her up to be who Christ has called her to be, not the kind of person you want her to be in a sinful way. The main problem with us as sinners is we always want something different, we always think we deserve better, and we're rarely just giving thanks for the one God's given us. So the limitation is she is supposed to grow up into Christ, to be the beautiful child of God that He has called her to be. So there we see we've got these two commands. Let's back up. Notice the reality. The husband and the wife are both part of the church. There's the gospel truth that they have the same value in being made in the image of God. They have the same calling to be obedient as walking with wisdom, walking worthy of the calling. But the specifics here, wives, you're called out to submit to your husbands. with a priority for your protection at some level. Husbands, love your wives. Now, as Christ loved the church, all believers are supposed to love one another as Christ loved us. That's John 13, 34. But here there's a special privilege priority that husbands love their wives specifically. Augustine says the wise life is one where our loves are properly ordered. And I believe here God is giving good wisdom so that we know how to order our submission as wives, order our love as husbands. So the distinction is there's a headship of husbands. There's a submission of wives. And that is a relational context. There is no denying the image of God. There is no denying the union they have in Christ. But those two specific commands show that there is a relational way in which they're going to function differently. And our next study, we'll look at 1 Peter 3 that'll also flesh out this distinction in marriage.