Marriage and Divorce

We are looking at Jesus' teaching on two very sensitive and emotive issues here, marriage and divorce. We think of marriage, we think of a wedding, we think of everyone dressed up. Some people really like that kind of thing. We think of the joy and the ceremony and just the excitement of that new marriage. And with divorce, we think of the brokenness, the hurt, the confusion that takes place. And today Jesus is addressing both of these, and I want to just jump right in as we are here in this text. We walk through books of the Bible, right? So in our political age, in our country, with lots of confusion over what marriage and divorce is, this is a timely topic. But I want to be very clear, this is not a political issue in any way. This is a theological issue. First and foremost, our theology, what God says about marriage should inform the way we think about it for our culture, our home, our church, our nation. And so this morning we're just going to walk through this text as we're here in Mark 10, and see what Jesus teaches us, seeking to submit to Him in what He says. If you're in the text, Mark 10, that can be found on page 1039 of the Pew Bible in front of you. If you do not have a Bible, please take that with you. Take that home. That is the Word of God. As Cheryl just read, We are here in Mark 10, and this is the great discipleship discourse. Jesus is training his disciples. Here he's responding to the Pharisees with a specific question, and I just want to point out here, they're seeking to test him. So our story begins with a test. Look at verse 2. The Pharisees came to test him. They're trying to trick him. They're trying to capture him in his own words, and they're doing so with what was in that day a very sensitive issue. There were basically two schools of thought. The more conservative view was that divorce could only happen on the grounds of sexual morality. The more liberal view was that divorce could be granted for any indecency. And so there's already a debate going on among the religious leaders of the culture, among the people. And the test is really interesting as you think about the Pharisees. If we go back to Mark 2, they want to destroy Jesus. We're coming very close to his last entrance into Jerusalem, where he will be crucified because of the accusations of the Pharisees. And this test is very interesting because if you remember, John the Baptist in chapter six, he was imprisoned because he challenged Herod's divorce. And it seems here as the crowds are gathering. It's actually crowds plural. That's the first time Marx mentioned there's a crowds gathering. They're going to have Jesus on record speaking on divorce, probably looking for ammunition for when they're going to bring about that accusation against Jesus. Notice what Jesus does. He is cunning. He answers them, verse 3. What did Moses command you? All right, so this is Jesus. He's cunning. He turns it back on them, and he's asking the Pharisees what Moses would say. And just to be very clear, the Pharisees are the kind of folks that would wear Moses is my homeboy t-shirts. Like they would want to claim they are the followers and the authoritative teachers of Moses. So Moses and the Pharisees are very closely tied together. And it's very helpful to see he's putting it back on them. Well, what do you see scripture already saying? This is kind of like when somebody asks me if I'm a Calvinist, I always want to ask them, what do you think that is before I give an affirmation or a denial? What do you think has already been taught in scripture, Jesus is saying, so that he can have a right explanation of it? They refer back to Deuteronomy 24. Verse four, they said, Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce and to send her away. What they say is actually pretty accurate. This falls in line with what Deuteronomy 24 says, and it's those basic teaching on divorce. If we look back at that passage, it's really less of a permission It's more of an instruction. It's telling the people, when you're going to divorce someone, this is how to do it the right way, not the wrong way. Or actually a little more correct there, this is how you do it without hurting and hindering the woman more when you divorce her. The idea is that a right divorce, or a divorce that is certified, would be a breaking of that legal relationship in a legal way. And it would set her then to be free so that she could remarry. If you go to Deuteronomy 24, it actually is a little more interesting. It says you can't divorce your wife, have her marry someone else, and then she can't remarry you. You see, most property was done through relationships. You married to gain property or you adopted a son, like Abraham tried to do with Eliezer, to inherit property. There was a practice of basically pimping out wives. A man would divorce his wife, have her go marry some old rich man, and then she would get his property and then remarry the original husband so that he could have his inheritance. That's gross. And God said, no, you can't do that to her. I want you to see Deuteronomy 24 at the most basic level is simply God protecting women from knuckle-headed men who would divorce them wrongly. It's disturbing what kind of practices men have entertained in this field. Okay, so what they say is basically right. Moses does give a permission. There's a right way of allowing a certificate. There's a proper way to do it. And then Jesus gives a great clarification. Verse five. Jesus said to them, because of your hardness of heart, he wrote you this commandment. Notice he doesn't say it's a permission. He says it's an instruction. And notice there the beginning point. If they wanna test, he's gonna give them all they want right here because of your hardness of heart. He's not backing down here. He's wanting to put his finger on the real problem. There's a diagnosis. God had to give instruction. Because we're so hard-hearted. Now, in our culture, we often talk about somebody who is hard-headed. Right? They're not correctable. They're not teachable. They're stubborn. The hard-hearted is really a better explanation here. Our desires are so fixed and twisted, we won't receive the things of God with any rejoicing. To be hard-hearted means we don't listen to God. We cannot receive Him. We don't rejoice in Him. To have a soft heart means we're listening, we're believing. He's pointing out that the problem is the hard heart. A certificate of divorce is only necessary because of the sins of men and how abusive we can be. He makes it very personal, very clear. God has given marriage as a good gift. It's our hardness of heart that takes it, just like we do all the good gifts God gives us, and we twist it. What we see here is men using women and using marriage as a means to their selfish end. Whereas marriage is really a rejoicing in the other. It's taking on a responsibility for the other. Now, there's also something important here. A divorce is legal. That doesn't mean it's moral. We need to have those two very clear categories. Just because something is legal doesn't mean it's moral. You can legally murder a baby in our country. That does not mean it's moral. You can legally get a no-fault divorce in our state. doesn't make it moral. We need to be careful as to what is good and right based upon what God's Word says. Notice he first diagnoses, and it's your heart. He makes it clear to the Pharisees, your own sinful hearts are why God had to create this, this instruction for divorce. And then he gives us this fantastic foundational teaching on marriage. Let's look back at verse 5. And Jesus said to him, because of your heart and his heart, he wrote you this commandment. But from the beginning of creation, okay, we're going all the way back to Genesis 1 here. God made them male and female. And what he's quoting here is from Genesis 1 on the sixth day where God created male and female, both in the image of God and his likeness. This is a foundational truth that we need to make sure we get. As Jesus is laying out his answer for marriage and divorce, he starts with the most basic truths. This is kind of like John Wooden. He won eight national championships with UCLA. The very first practice, the first thing he did was he taught his players how to put their socks on. The most basic instruction, the most basic elements. Jesus is starting out with not assuming anything. He's gonna say, God created, male and female. I don't think the culture he's speaking to has the gender identity crisis we currently have. I don't think he's trying to address that. I think he's showing how marriage is this sacred designed union of two that are not similar because of the differences. There are significant differences, male and female, but they're two of the same kind. Both are made in the image of God. Both have the same worth, dignity, and honor, but it's the differences that make the union so important. As we just think about created male and female, let's just address two basic errors that we can see throughout our history. First is to overemphasize the differences so that there's some kind of male superiority. That this is the idea that males being the heads somehow makes the women inferior. And you see this problem throughout most of history. This is an error. This is refusing to actually see the clear biblical language that male and female are made in God's image. We're equally blessed in Christ. We have to help all those differences, but to say one is superior and inferior is denying the very truth of God that is clear from Genesis 1 onward. The second one is to deny there's any differences at all, that male and female are simply social constructs. This is a current Western problem. The differences are real, but they do not cause superior-inferior issues. We have to address this more at another time. There's a lot to say here. We're, we're moving on because we need to get through still more complicated issues. God makes them male and female. Same kind. Same nature. Same worth. Same dignity. But, but, but they're different. Okay. Notice what he says next. Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his Why? He's quoting Genesis 2, what Chris read earlier. Now we're focused here on the second day, where God says it's not good for man to be alone. He then parades all the animals in a way that is helping build a climactic end. The whole idea here is that there's this long day of lots of activity, and not a helper was found among them. So God gives them a long nap. And notice what happens in Genesis 2, the first recorded words of man, at last, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. Man, let's not lose a significant observation here. The first recorded words of man is praising God for woman. The first recorded words of man are praising God for woman. It's this grand climactic ending of the sixth day, where finally God says it's very good, and it's not very good until she's with him. God created them, male and female, and then there's this instruction, leave father and mother, All right, there's a bond that's gonna be more important than that blood relation. There's a covenant relationship. You're gonna leave the father and mother, those who you share a bloodline with, you're going to enter into a new covenant with your wife. And this is just simply leaving and cleaving. Just for a moment here, parents, it's important we train up our children ready to leave and cleave well. Husbands and wives, they cling to one another. And this is what makes Marist so beautiful. Those two that are different, male and female, become one flesh. One new family. One home. One bank account. It's very personal. It's very purposeful. It's actually a beautiful picture of how God brings those two that are different in many ways to be one flesh. To be more specific, one flesh is referring to sex. One flesh is referring to that most intimate, personal way of giving yourself over to one person. Sex is this gift God has given to a married couple only, to express intimacy, to express love, to express in that one and only way you give to that one and only person, giving yourself over to. It's a good gift. And the better the gift God gives us, the more we seem to just corrupt it. It's not for selfish lust. It's not for leisurely activity. It is a covenant act in marriage that is meant to be expressed with one person in love only. Now, I'm saying this knowing there's children because I want to be very clear, we've got to talk about the real things of life here at church when God speaks of them. Because if not, they're going to learn on the school bus. We need to be talking about these things honestly and clearly from Scripture. It's our hardness of heart that makes us turn to things like pornography. To seeing sex as only a selfish activity. No, it's this wonderful gift He's given to marriages. So He's created male and female. He's created them to be one together in a unique way in that marriage covenant. And then look at verse 8. The two become one flesh. They are no longer two, but one flesh. What God has joined together, let not man separate. It's a covenant. God has united. When it says, let not let men separate, it's speaking of somebody from inside that marriage. Don't tear it apart. A divorce is tearing apart the covenant that God cut. Now before we go on to the more difficult teaching on divorce, let's pause here for a minute. We're talking about marriage because Jesus is talking about it. It's important to Jesus. He lays out a framework theology, a simple framework for how we should be thinking about marriage. We should, as a church, be promoting the sanctity of marriage, because God does. He created it. He designed it. He helps protect it. That starts in our own homes, in our church. And I want to say, that is really hard work. We could think about how we could pass a bill, we could do legislature to protect marriage. I honestly think that'd be easier than the call to actually protect it relationally with one another. To get into the gritty marriage issue where a wife refuses to respect her husband or the husband refuses to love his wife and sacrificially serve that family, that is hard, difficult work. that we as covenant members promise to do for one another. That kind of correction, that kind of labor, that kind of patient walking alongside, that is what we are called to do for one another. When you go to a wedding, it's not just so you can show up and enjoy it. It's to be a witness. It's a responsibility. I will pray for this couple. I will be part of their lives and helping promote their marriage. We do this for one another. Promoting healthy marriage means we see that it is a matter of the glory of God. We see it as something that matters because He's designed it in a right way, and we should promote it. We promote healthy marriages by example, by instruction, by patiently walking alongside of each other. First and foremost, I actually want to say we promote healthy marriages in the Gospel. by confessing sin, repenting of sin, and forgiving sin. Marriage. It's interesting to think about the purpose. It has gone through some interesting changes lately in our culture. I love good, honest liberals. And I say that because they actually say what they mean. A friend here sent me a sermon by a pastor. It's a First Baptist church of a significant city. And it was on marriage and it was discussing how we're going to receive and talk about marriage outside of the normal male-female relationship. And the pastor said, marriage used to be meant for procreation and the building up of society between a male and female. But now marriage means something different. It's been redefined. It's defined compatibility and self-satisfaction. It was brilliantly honest. We've redefined marriage. Now, let me put that in biblical terms. Because of our hard hearts, we've rebelled against God's design and decided to use it for something we want. Marriage has been given a purpose by God. We don't have the liberty to redefine it. It is one of the greatest gifts God has given to us. Marriage is worth pursuing. It is not your ultimate purpose. Marriage is a good gift. It is not a universal promise. Marriage does not complete you, but it will sanctify you. One of the reasons we need to uphold marriage is because it is a picture of the gospel. We didn't read Ephesians 5, but it's very clear that God designed marriage to give us a picture of the gospel. Jesus Christ is the ultimate and perfect bridegroom, the one who truly loves perfectly his unworthy bride, the church. He gives himself over to her. And whenever we form that union with him, whenever we are identified with him, we become one with him. He connects us to Himself so that sinners become saints. Those who are distant from God come near. Those who are rebellious are reconciled. Because of our union with Him, because we are connected with Him in covenant, because He gives Himself over to us through His death and His resurrection, we can be forgiven and beloved children of God. Now on to the more difficult teaching on divorce. Notice what happens. It is a typical pattern. There's a public question, there's a public teaching, and the disciples then get to go and have a private tutoring lesson. Verse 10, in the house, again, this seems to be either Peter or Andrew's house. This is a known location where the disciples regularly came back to. And in the house, the disciples asked him again about this matter. And he said to them, whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery. This is a very clear, simple truth. It makes it very clear that divorce is something that is, well, we can see elsewhere, God hates divorce. Divorce is a breaking apart of something God has united I do want to point out that this is a very revolutionary statement before we get into explaining some qualifiers. Verse 12, if she divorces her husband, we don't know of anyone ever giving any woman before this the right to divorce her husband. Every law that we know of, for Jews and Romans at least, is only that men can divorce wives and send them away. Here, Jesus is actually putting the woman in the active role of divorcing. So at one level, there's just a shot across the bow here in terms of what he's promoting or what he's saying is allowed. A woman has an equal right as a man when it comes to divorce. But this teaching seems simple. Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery. against her, and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery. It would appear, if this were the only thing Jesus says, that if you are divorced, there is no remarriage. Well, that's why it's important that we actually look elsewhere in Scripture. If you go to Matthew 19, 9, we have, I believe, a very similar, if not the same event, where Jesus is teaching, and he adds a significant qualifier. Jesus says, if anyone divorces his wife except for adultery and marries another, he commits adultery. This qualifier needs to be understood. The except for adultery, that's the word, or sexual immorality, is porneo? It's the most generic sexual misconduct term we could possibly have. It is so generic, any kind of infidelity, any kind of straying of the eye makes you guilty of it. Pretty much everyone who's ever been married is guilty of sexual misconduct based upon the law of Christ. This is why you don't look for when do I get to divorce my spouse, really when Sin happens. You confess sin. You forgive sin. You seek reconciliation. Marriage is an opportunity in that sin for the gospel to be to be proclaimed clearly to one another. It's actually scary how easily it would be to say any divorce can happen because of how sexually... we practice sexual misconduct so much. The real problem when it comes to divorce is that typically it means somebody's not willing to confess their sin. It means they're practicing some kind of sexual misconduct and they're not willing to confess it. They're not willing to stop it. Or the person who has not acted out in sexual misconduct, they're not willing to forgive. That's when divorce normally happens, when we're refusing to confess our sin and we're refusing to forgive sin. In Matthew 19, nine. That's a terrifying place. When we're not willing to confess sin, that means we're holding onto it. That should remind us of last week's passage. It's better for you to cut off your eye or your hand, or your foot, than to spend the rest of eternity in hell? If you're going to hold on to sin, it's going to kill you? The other one is equally terrifying. Not willing to forgive. Jesus says your Father in heaven will forgive you as you forgive. Married couples, just Christians in relationships. Our normal language has to be confessing sin and forgiving sin. I look out and actually I'm just thankful I've been able to walk along many couples and I've been in the room where sin was confessed and forgiven and there is just nothing sweeter than that moment. I've been in that room where they refuse and there's nothing more terrifying and heart-wrenching Divorce is not a command. It's an instruction. Here's when you would do it properly. There is a permission that says when you have reached that point where there is no reconciliation, then there is a certificate of divorce. We can also look at 1 Corinthians 7. Paul mentions there on the grounds of abandonment. especially if you're a Christian married to a non-Christian, or if you become a convert and your spouse does not, and they abandon you, there's a grounds for divorce. Otherwise, you try to live in a way that wins them over to Christ. To be clear, we live in a world that is not the way it's supposed to be. We have death. We have divorce. Death is painful because you lose a loved one. Divorce is painful because you stop loving someone. Death is a necessary consequence of our sin, and Jesus here says divorce is the sad reality because of our hardness of heart. If you are married, I want you to hear that the most basic teaching, the focus of most teachings are scripture. is to be terrified of divorce, to be so protective and guarded of your marriage, to realize that it's easy to get wound up in our own sin, to get entangled in our hearts, to not confess, to not forgive. At least the brokenness, that's not what God desires. As we consider this, I also want us to ask if you've been divorced. Have you talked to a pastor or a counselor about what that looked like? I hope you did so during the process. It is no small matter. It is a painful, difficult matter. And I want to be very careful here. This is something we oftentimes want to keep private, but a marriage is not private. It's very public. That's why we have witnesses at a wedding. The witnesses are an important part, a necessary part of a wedding. As we conclude, what does this teach us about Jesus? First, he's designed and sanctifies and teaches us about marriage. He seems to truly care about how God has designed it. how he purposed it, and how it's uniting two people. We should see that Jesus is a teaching here, and it's not only his teaching, it's a model for him. He is the perfect bridegroom. Ben earlier prayed for those who are lonely or hurting. If you're not married and you think that's going to solve that problem, it's some of the loneliest people I know are married. Getting married doesn't satisfy or complete a person. If you're longing, if you're, if you're, if you're restless, it's because of sin. It's because you're, maybe because you're not actually united with Christ and rejoicing in Him. If you're not a Christian this morning, look to Jesus Christ. You were designed to love Him and to be loved by Him. You were designed to rejoice in Him. The problem is we've sinned against Him. We take what He gives as good gifts. We corrupt them. What we have to do is look to Jesus and realize He's died on the cross to forgive us for those sins. He's taken the punishment we deserve. He's risen again to give us new life. And now He brings us into a reckoning, a new relationship with Him. What about us? We're loved. If you're a Christian, you are perfectly loved. If you're a Christian, you know a love that there's nothing greater than it. God Himself came down to walk among you, to be like you, to lay down His life for you. If you're not satisfied in love, you look up to Christ at the right hand of the Father. You are loved. Secondly, we need to care about our own marriages. Here are some final safeguards for marriages. First, be very careful about entertaining divorce. Whenever we have conflict, there's two basic sinful responses, fight and flee. Right? Those are the two basic conflicts, resolutions we have to fight it out. It's amazing. I've never seen someone turn positively to scolding. Right? When we fight, when we use harsh words, we're not actually inviting the person back into our relationship. I rarely have ever seen scolding in either my parenting or pastoring or in my friendships actually work the way I think it's going to. Fighting, and this is why Paul gives us that instruction, restore with gentleness. Fighting is not a proper Christian action. fleeing. This idea that if I just get away, I need to get away from this problem. I need to get away from this person, especially my spouse. Don't entertain that idea of divorce. Don't fight. Don't flee. My encouragement to you this morning, stand firm in the faith. Stand firm in the faith. It is only faith in Christ that will actually help you have a healthy marriage. You see, when we pursue Christ in faith, what we're going to see is our faults and how we can repent more, rather than their faults and how they need to repent more. My least favorite counseling is when somebody comes to me and tells me all their spouse's problems and expects me to fix them. That's just not fun. No, no, no, a faith in Christ says, help me see my fault so that I can be a better spouse. If all we ever think about is our spouse's faults, we're going to grow into a bitterness. Have faith in Christ. Ask to see other things you should be thankful for. This is the most basic problem for humanity in sin. We think we always deserve better. We're always thinking, I wish my spouse was like this, or less like this, or we're always thinking there has to be better. No, a faith in Christ rejoices with gratitude. If you have faith in Christ, know that His grace is efficient. Let me be more precise with instruction from Scripture. Wives, respect and submit to your husbands as to the Lord. That is a heavy, clear command in Scripture. Respect and submit to your husbands as to the Lord. Now the first response is, but you don't know how bad of a leader my husband is. And the first thing I want to say is, that doesn't matter. Respect and submit, not as to how good of a leader he is, it's as to the Lord. The key qualifier of that entire commandment is that simple phrase, as to the Lord. Your submission to your husband has nothing to do with how good of a leader you think he is. It has everything to do with how good you think Jesus is. How trustworthy Jesus is. And I think you'd be amazed that if you actively submitted to your husband, how much better of a leader he would become. Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. It doesn't say as much as you think they're lovely. Again, the qualifier is so weighty. As Christ loved the church, he gave himself over to her. He didn't leave anything back. He sacrificed his whole life to give her everything she needed. Husbands, we aren't supposed to be leading in headship. Headship does not mean we're always right. It simply means we're always responsible. 1 Peter 3 gives us the charge. Lead in an understanding way. Recognize she has that burden of submitting and respecting us. Do so in a way that recognizes the weightiness of that pressure. And do so in an understanding way. All of us, we're all looking for that perfect marriage, and one day we will all rejoice in it. We have the Lord's Supper here. This is a simple taste. It's a foretaste. It's a simple sample, looking forward to when we will be at the marriage supper of the Lamb. We'll be perfectly united, sin removed. We will see Christ as He is. We'll be the bride, finally washed of all our impurity. so that we can rejoice in Him fully. The last thing I want us to see about marriage, don't ever believe your spouse cannot change. The power of the gospel is to save sinners. If we believe that this person is always going to be the same, if we believe there's just nothing that they could ever do that's right, if we just think the way it is is the way it's always going to be, you're denying Jesus and His grace to change someone. And we're denying Jesus the power to sanctify someone. Now in our great frustration, trust the power of the gospel. and do so by working out for our frustration in prayer for ourselves and our spouses. Will you pray with me? Father, as we've wrestled with this central weighty truth, we thank you that you've given us marriage. We thank you that you've given us instruction for husbands and wives, and how we can conduct ourselves in a way that will glorify you. We thank you that you've given us these clear instructions on divorce so we know how to avoid it, and Lord, when it happens, how to grieve properly, and how to care for those, Lord, who have been divorced. Lord, I thank you most of all for marriage because it does give us that little glimpse that picture of the gospel love that we have in Christ, we have from Christ. Lord, as we wrestle with where we are in different stages of either young marriages, seasoned marriages, widows, widowers, singles, those looking forward to marriage, Lord, give us grace where we are. Help us, Lord, to be patient. Help us, Lord, to be putting on the right shoes to be reminded of who you are and what you've designed us for. and how Christ truly does love us. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.